I'll Hold You To That Promise
by SuicidalBlackCat
Summary: Mercy Cousland isn't taking Zevrans death very well. Especially since she is the one who killed him. Can Alistair make her feel any better, or will she be lost in her own feelings of disgust for herself forever? Alistair/Cousland


A/N: Mercy Cousland is my personal character from the game. I don't own any of the other characters or names, except for the name Titan, that I gave to Mercy's Mabari War Hound.

Mercy sat up in her bed in the room she had been given at Arl Eamons estate in Denerim. She hadn't been able to sleep. It wasn't because of the upcoming Landsmeet to determine the new Ruler, or because of the Blight that was approaching, no, it was because of Zevran. Mercy was still replaying the scene in her head. Going to Arl Howe's estate, being ambushed on the way in that grungy back alley.

She never thought that she could feel so sick to her stomach over something like this. She was a Grey Warden, she had seen many people die, she was immune to it at this point. But killing Zevran hurt … a lot. She had thought that he was her friend. They had spent many nights together, in front of the fire at camp, talking about his life with the Crows and his adventures. She had even risked losing Alistair because of him, and yet, he turned on her when Taliesin showed up.

Mercy did not have feelings for the young, charming elf, she knew that. She knew she loved Alistair, which is why she let herself try for a friendship with Zevran. Being a Grey Warden didn't mean you had many friends, and Mercy wanted to be as normal as she could. She wanted a friend, and thought she had found that in Zevran.

Titan could see that Mercy wasn't alright. He layed his head next to her on her bed and whined. Mercy pat his head and sighed. When Titan's whining didn't stop, Mercy patted a spot on her bed and allowed Titan to jump up, who then immediately started covering Mercy in loving, dog kisses. Mercy wiped her now slobbered on face, and smiled slightly.

"I know _you_ love me and would never turn on me." Titan tilted his head confused, and then snorted happily and layed his head down.

Mercy just couldn't shake the feeling that Zevran turned on her because of something she had done. She knew he was slightly hurt when she chose Alistair over him, but he knew that they were more than friends when he first joined her crew. His attempts at romancing her never worked, and she thought that he was ok with being just friends with her, after all, he was still the same, playful, flirty _friend_ Mercy had known even after she rejected him.

What would a romance with Zevran have been like? Would it feel alright to love and want someone who was paid to kill people? Paid to kill her, even? Mercy shook the thought away. She loved Alistair and that was how it was going to remain.

She had given him gifts. She wanted him to feel welcome, even if Alistair had made it apparent that he wasn't. She then remembered kneeling over his freshly killed body and seeing the silver bracelet she had given him on his wrists. She had given the killing blow to his chest, but not before stoping and looking at him straight in the eyes, pleading with him silently to stop this. He didn't stop, so Mercy didn't either…

With that thought, Mercy burst into tears. Titan looked up immediately and pushed his head under her arms, to make her grab onto him and hug him. He licked the tears off her face and whined more. Mercy pushed herself up against the headboard of her bed and let her face rest in her hands. She was angry, but most of all, hurt. She couldn't take it in that bed anymore. She got up and walked out into the hall. Titan attempted to follow, but Mercy waved him away and walked down the dimly lit corridors of the estate.

She found herself out on a balcony overlooking Denerim. The moon was almost full and it was a breezy night. It was too nice of a night. She wanted it to be raining, storming, like it was in her mind. Her friend was dead, and he was dead from her sword. She wanted the world to feel as horrible and disgusting as she did. She sat out there for maybe an hour, the thoughts were beginning to make her feel sick and she didn't want to be alone anymore. She didn't want the thoughts to get the best of her like they used to. Scars on her arms and legs still lingered from when she couldn't handle herself, years ago. She got up and wandered back into the estate.

Mercy stopped at the door that she was almost certain was Alistairs. She pressed her arm against the door and listened for his faint snores. After she heard them, she wiped her tear streaked face and hoped that Alistair wouldn't be mad at her for waking him. She couldn't see him ever being mad at her, but she had never woken a man who was dead asleep. One last breath was sucked in before she knocked on his door.

It took a moment, but she eventually heard Alistair grunt, and then heard the covers being pushed off him. Then she heard a thud, as if he had fallen in the dark and a quiet yelp. Mercy couldn't help but smile at the thought of Alistair falling out of bed.

"Yes? What is it?" Alistair opened the door, still groggy. His hair was a mess and he was shirtless. When he noticed it was Mercy at the door he snapped back to life.

"Mercy? Are you alright?" Even in the dimly lit hallways you could see that Mercy had been crying.

"I couldn't sleep." Mercy tried avoiding eye contact with him, which made Alistair worry more. He pulled her into his room and lit a few candles.

"What happened? You've been crying." He sat down on his bed with her and wanted nothing more than to pull her into a tight hug and hold her. "Please talk to me."

"I hate myself, Alistair… I hate myself so much right now.."

Alistair raised his eyebrow and rested his hand on her knee. "Don't say things like that, Mercy. Just tell me what's bothering you so much."

Mercy threw her head up and stared at the ceiling. She choked in another sob. "He was my friend, Alistair…"

"What? Who?"

"I had to kill my friend, today." Mercy continued to look at the ceiling, she knew if she looked at Alistair that she would start crying again. Alistair looked down, now knowing what she was talking about.

"Mercy-"

"He was my friend, Alistair. He turned on me, he backstabbed me, but he was my friend, and I killed him.."

"He would have killed you, too, Mercy. You know he would of. It was what he was trained to do. You had to kill him in order to survive."

Mercy finally broke down and threw herself into Alistairs arms. "Why do I feel so horrible then?" Alistair held her, and then his face hardened. He didn't let go of her, though.

"Did… did you have feelings for him?" He almost spat those words out. Mercy pushed him away and stood up.

"No! Damn it, Alistair!-"

"I'm sorry! But what am I supposed to think?! He was going to kill you, Mercy! All of us! They ambushed us and he had a chance to do the right thing and help us, help you, and he didn't! He joined Taliesin and betray you!"

Mercy looked down at the floor and became quiet.

"I'm sorry, Mercy. I didn't mean to yell…"

"Have you ever needed to kill your friend?" Mercy looked up at him sternly. Her face was puffy from crying and Alistair hated himself for making her more upset.

"No…" He looked at her with remorse.

"Yes, he betray, he tried to kill me, and I know he would have. But up until that moment he was my friend… I cared for him. I would have fought to the death for him and instead I was forced to kill him.."

Alistair got up and walked over to her. He grabbed her face in his hands and kissed her forehead and then hugged her. "I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to upset you.. I'm just so scared of losing you."

"I love you, damn it, Alistair. I love you more than anything. It hurts that you would question my love for you.."

Those words prompted Alistair to hug Mercy tighter. His eyes almost filled with tears because of her. "I'm so sorry that you're so upset, Mercy. I'm so sorry that you had to kill someone you loved today. I wish I could make it all go away, I would do anything to make you feel ok again."

Mercy pressed her forehead against his, and sighed.

"Just, please stay with me tonight. I don't want to be alone…"

Alistair kissed her forehead again and then led her to his bed. "You will never be alone, Mercy. I will never leave you. I love you so much…"

Mercy sighed and looked at the floor."Will this horrible feeling ever go away?"

"I promise you, it will get better." Alistair laid down and put his arms around Mercy.

"I'm going to hold you to that promise.." Mercy kissed the big hand that was around her shoulders and closed her eyes.


End file.
